Charlene
21 (forever)
Monash Uni


I LOVE myself
I LOVE sleep
I LOVE shopping

I WANT my lambourghini
I WANT to live in paris
I WANT more money





MY FRIENDSTER | MY BLOGSKIN

MY SKINS: (click on the x's)
x Because I'm Evrythg w/o You
x The Pieces Of My Heart
x Keep Holding On
x Randomised
x Give Me Back My Heart
x Is This The End?
x Now You Gonna Miss My Love
x The Porcelain Doll
x My Dirty Lil' Secret V.1
x My Dirty Lil' Secret V.2
x Plastic Friendship
x This Innocence Is Brillant
x All Good Things...
x You & Me, We Are Love
x Its Love That Kills Her
x I Never Really Loved You..

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I find myself losing more and more control over my life.
it's not that i have a crippling disease or anything like that .

i came here with the intention of becoming a better person but in the process, i find myself even more messed up.

and i thought a different environment , culture and all that stuff would change me to become even more resilient, determined and stronger.

but each day i feel myself lapsing back into the defeated messed up shell of a soul and i wonder after squandering so much money on an education abroad, whether it was necessary even at all.

i wonder where's my passion , my drive and everything else.

i;ve realised, with all that bravado of stepping out my comfort zone , i actually still need to stay safe in it desperately.


whatever you like .

Exams are drawing closer & i find myself doing all sorts of absolute nothing besides those of paramount importance.
Like I watched Tim Burton's Batman Returns and Forensic Heroes II , even though I've watched it already.

The worries are mounting . Like the relocation to the outback and whether I'm as resilient as I thought I would be. How life would be like for the next few mths , whether I would like it or not, and the impact really, on the family.

I wonder a lot really, or most importantly the issue of adaptability.

And what am I doing really, I've indicated interest and yet, I'm backing away all the same.
And really, really, please be more upfront.


We, went to watch Angels and Demons and this morning, I had a talk w someone whose car was parked next to mine and coincidentally we left the carpark at the same time. Funny how life has such moments.

Movie was not disappointing but still, nothing beats reading the book . (:

With that said, I should have been rejuvenated and all gear-ed up for revision.
But I find myself drifting into the land of worries and insecurities.
Call it stressed out withstress , whichever you like , or maybe the mind isn't settled enough to focus.

Reconsidering the choice I made and the impact it would have on the family and I shudder to think if I am really pushing things too far, stretching everyone to their limit and if they one-day would snap.

I am quite afraid of being the cause and can only cling desperately to hope that things will be smooth-sailing.

I really hope that sensibility and rationality are in check when they made the decision because amidst all the drama I conjure, it really wasnt that such a big deal if I didnt go.

I guess this is just the guilt which I have to carry on til everything is over.


It's been awhile since i last ranted ;p

Life's been rather hectic for a bit & feeling rather bemused overall.
Looking back, I was scheming for my ticket to a whole-new life.
And now that I'm actually going for it , I have no idea what's scaring me more,
the idea of leaving behind what I'm slowly getting used to or the changes that is to come.

Went out w Dov & Crystal , met a few aussies & well, that pretty sums up my night outing.
All the same, my intent was to socialise and get to know the aussies and well, I did. Turns out , they really live up to their name, laidback outbacks;p
I have no idea why some people have such negative connotations associated with nightlife, that's because of close-mindedness, but seriously, it breaks the ice, like how else do u get to know people working in the advertising line, fashion magazines and event management, not to mention doctors and businessmen and it depends on which club/pub u go to . Do one just go up to someone in Starbucks and strike a conversation just like that on a whim? The upper-class club district , really, the people behave differently as compared to the full-of-smoke sleazy teenager-ish who arent quite 21 yet clubs.

But then again, who am I and why should I be bothered with such close-mindedness.

The next day, the hangover had an impact. I became stupid and my analysing ability was at ground-zero. I have long forgotten what it feels like having a drink too many and thank heavens the next day was a public holiday .

Currently torn between starting something new and just forgoing the whole thing altogether.
And as the weeks draw close, I really have not much time left and to risk being pushy, I think it's best I let it be.

Had a really nice conversation from someone back in the land I've forsaken for some time.
And such conversations, make life seem somewhat sweeter. (:


I'm getting restless , edgy and more and more siao.
I do not understand the meaning of a mid-sem break with an overwhelming amount of work.
And so, I find myself doing all sorts of nonsense except what's of pressing need.
I'm sure by Sunday, I'll be frantically trying to finish what's due on Monday MORNING.
How typical of me.

With friends at bay advising me not to do anything which will make leaving this place harder,
I did the direct opposite. Stubborn I know , walking into the lion's den when the signboard says "danger, keep out."

HAIYAH, what the hell am I doing?


It's the much awaited MID SEM BREAK.
To kick it off, I went on a day road trip w members of the Circle- K club(Kiwanis).
Yes, the charitable side of me is slowly starting to unleash itself.

I enjoyed myself tremendously because I ate like non-stop.
HAHA. Many times but small amounts which equate to really a lot.
I'm living up to my ultimate goal in life, and dear all, please do learn....
live to eat.
Why else would they have all the cuisines in the WORLD ?
We could all have had everything raw just like our fellow animal race.

The best thing about joining a club doing charity is that you meet really interesting and colourful people, not to mention a w heart of gold. Nice crazy people to mix with who OMG are CLUBBERS ;p
I'm that excited because its like meeting pple from yr own hometown. That sort of feeling.
In this context, meeting like-minded individuals sharing a common passion, makes the world seem less segregated ;p

I really like the feeling of being one with all others, because for one, it reduces all that much animosity in the world.

I'm beginning to preach. So , enough gushing for now.

Another cause of such sudden burst of exhilaration is the opportunity to go aust to really indeed further my studies. Seems like my evil plotting was really indeed effective. Turns out, my parents were already mentally-preparing to let me go , because they arent tagging along to oversee my living habitat ( we're all animals arent we? ;p) and such. Took me awhile to let the new found independence sink in really. I am all for letting go.

After having to leave 15 yrs of my life all at once, what's leaving behind close to 3 yrs of much hell here ? All said in the name of humour . So really, Im going to keep it as low key as possible because extended family loves to dramatise and oversensationalise. After all, I'm the most popular figure in the extended family with all the controversy I love to create at wedding/birthday celebrations.

With all that said , I'm quite afraid of facing this all alone yet I like the soon-to-be emancipation of me ;p


The week flew by just like that .
Stuck with an overwhelming pile of work.
But , the jokes made everything bearable.

I'm secretly playing mind games with the parents.
Scheming and plotting my next step in the bid of fully convince them to invest in me.
Perhaps, to the siblings, I am a selfish bitch.

But really, I wouldnt want to live my life regretting not having gone for something like this.
It isnt bungy jumping/ skydiving / parasailing. Its an experience crucial for the next phase in life.
Or maybe I really did psycho myself into thinking it is as such.

In truth, I should be thankful for what I already have but human nature isnt like that at all .
At least it isnt for me. The insatiable need coming from desiring more is burning and it feels like those American Idol hopefuls waiting for their biggest break in life.

What would I give for being given an opportunity like this, at least for sure, not my dignity.

Guess that's life isnt it, never fair to begin with.